"turdpipe" (turdpipe)
11/23/2015 at 12:25 • Filed to: Winter, Driving Skills, Snowlopnik, Snowdrifting, Oppositelock, Oppo, turdpipe
67
61|
"turdpipe" (turdpipe)
11/23/2015 at 12:25 • Filed to: Winter, Driving Skills, Snowlopnik, Snowdrifting, Oppositelock, Oppo, turdpipe | 67
| 61 |
With impending snowfall threatening to blanket those of us living in snowy areas of the world I decided to compile a list of the most vital pointers I’ve gathered on my own and from friends’ suggestions. Follow these tips to successfully get from Point A to some highballs and white Russians.
Just follow these easy guidelines and you’ll make the roads a safer place in no time at all. Happy driving, everyone.
Tips for successful winter driving:
1. Leave as much snow piled on top of your car, including the windows. Not only will it weigh you down (more traction!) but you’ll also create a whiteout behind you which keeps other cars at a safe distance. Clear as little snow off your windshield as possible and win a free game of tank commander!
2. Turn your hazard lights on. Everyone needs to pay attention to YOU, not the snow or road conditions. Your light show will alert EVERYONE to the fact that it is snowing, thereby making everyone SAFE!
3. Turn your high beams on and leave them on. The heavier the snow, the brighter lights you need, that way you can keep an eye on every individual snowflake falling and avoid being distracted by other things on the road, like cars and shiny deer eyes. Remember: “Push the lever, leave it forever.”
4. If you have a 4WD/AWD vehicle, drive as fast as you want. Everyone knows four and all wheel drive are completely failure-proof no matter the conditions. You’ll keep the roads that much clearer by getting to your destination sooner.
5. Brake erratically and frequently while on the highway and other well-traveled areas. This is to be sure that your brakes work. Give your car as many chances to break traction as possible - it’s the only way you’ll learn how good your car is in the winter. Always do this when you’re in the fast lane and there’s NOTHING in front of you and a line of 15 cars behind you.
6. Be sure that you can still accelerate by slamming on the gas when you realize you’re doing 10 under after every instance of #5 and you notice someone trying to pass.
7. Drive as close as possible to the car in front of you so you can follow their tire tracks exactly, that way you’ll know you won’t go in the ditch.
8. Wait until the last second to start slowing for a turn; you wouldn’t want to inconvenience the people behind you by driving slow. Don’t worry, turned wheels can’t possibly keep traveling in a straight line because that would, like, defy physics. Don’t worry about signaling, if you follow Tip #2 you’ve already got your hazards on. They count as blinkers, too!
9. Remember that the center shared left turn lanes usually get plowed last so wait until about 20 feet before you have to turn before jerking the wheel and slamming on your brakes. This way if you’re lucky you’ll slide just so you’re facing your side street! Be sure to get no more than one-third of your car actually INTO the turn lane as well.
10. If you see fellow motorists spun-out or in mid-spin; honk, give them the finger, and scream at them. They might not realize their car is backwards, or in a ditch… or upside-down!
***BONUS TIPS***
Be sure to have a cell phone in case of an emergency situation. If the slow traffic has got you running late, be sure to whip out your Motorola Note and send your boss an e-mail, your wife/gf a text, and be sure call your kids’ school while you’re at it. If you hold it up in front of your face it will be easier for people to see that you’re clearly more important and they’ll be sure to let you get from the fast lane to their exit lane since it’s just 15 feet ahead.
If you’re having trouble finding traction, be sure to continually floor the gas pedal. Not only will this get your engine up to operating temp quicker if you’ve just started up, spinning tires = friction and heat to melt away all that ice!
TurboSloth
> turdpipe
12/14/2013 at 14:52 |
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Directions unclear; ran over someone, and their arm is sticking out of my intercooler. I have AWD. What do?
Lumpy44, Proprietor Of Fine Gif
> turdpipe
12/14/2013 at 14:53 |
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Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2
> turdpipe
12/14/2013 at 14:55 |
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JGrabowMSt
> turdpipe
12/14/2013 at 14:57 |
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I think I'll go stick a shovel in the car so I can put some more snow on it!
aquila121
> turdpipe
12/14/2013 at 15:06 |
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The end of Tip #8 references Tip #1 incorrectly. This is the only edit needed, EVAR.
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turdpipe
> aquila121
12/14/2013 at 15:14 |
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Ah, thanks for the catch. I had to re-order a couple times.
BlazinAce - Doctor of Internal Combustion
> TurboSloth
12/14/2013 at 15:16 |
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Easy, stop, tuck arm back into intercooler, drive on. If you're typing this while driving, that means you're good at multitasking, so feel free to keep on driving while you tuck everything back.
Remember that having body parts sticking out of the windows, and probably the body work too, is a traffic infraction!
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TurboSloth
> BlazinAce - Doctor of Internal Combustion
12/14/2013 at 15:18 |
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Okay, the arm has been taken off. Theres a pool of blood thats been trailing me, and now this nice police officer is flashing his lights at me, following me. I'm going pretty slow, and I don't want to hold him up. Should I go faster. I have AWD so I think I can. Right?
ilostmypants
> turdpipe
12/14/2013 at 15:21 |
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Don't forget to use a dab of Oppo! ;)
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BlazinAce - Doctor of Internal Combustion
> TurboSloth
12/14/2013 at 15:24 |
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By all means, floor it! Blood is important for your car, but not as important as oil, water and blinker fluid, so even if you have a large leak you can just wait until you're home to check it out.
a_d_a_m
> turdpipe
12/14/2013 at 15:25 |
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This post brought to you by every fucking Ohio winter I've ever driven in. Thanks for sharing this with everyone, dude.
MFEJAL grey because who knows...
> turdpipe
12/16/2013 at 22:11 |
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I personally recommend #5 in front of a big, loaded commercial truck. Will keep the driver alert!
jvirgs drives a Subaru
> turdpipe
12/16/2013 at 22:33 |
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The sarcasm is strong with this one. I approve!
SodamnInsane
> turdpipe
12/16/2013 at 23:00 |
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all i need to know about da winter drives.. I learned from blip:
Drakkon- Most Glorious and Upright Person of Genius
> turdpipe
12/16/2013 at 23:02 |
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Anger much?
I have AWD so aye aye, cap'm.
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Drakkon- Most Glorious and Upright Person of Genius
> turdpipe
12/16/2013 at 23:06 |
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I think you need to emphasize standing on the brakes and turning the wheel all the way to lock to get maximum straight-line not-slowing action.
Also, if you drive a 1999 burgundy Pontiac Grand Prix, you are not allowed to own tires with more than 3/32 tread. Tire brand and size is also irrelevant. Especially exercise your tire choice on this Grand Prix on the longest steepest hill in your zip code.
xanthophyll
> turdpipe
12/17/2013 at 00:39 |
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The author is obviously from Minnesota, because drivers here are very special.
vanmoto42
> turdpipe
12/17/2013 at 02:21 |
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what I'd like to know is why I rarely see trucks, range rovers, volvos and other streetable tanks up the sidewalk in someone's yard, only econoboxes.
bariki
> turdpipe
12/17/2013 at 03:47 |
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11. Drive a slammed mid-engined turbo sports car equipped only with snow tires and a viscous LSD
^That would be me.
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turdpipe
> xanthophyll
12/17/2013 at 06:14 |
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Cleveland, actually.
MentalMechanic
> turdpipe
12/17/2013 at 08:14 |
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Huh how'd I guess that! Oh yeah 18 years of living near Cleveland. My favorite is the people who try to do all of those things around deadmans curve when even the plow trucks aren't out because they can't keep up with the snow. You did forget about the people who run through red lights 30 seconds after it went red because they couldn't stop on the snow. And then blame the person they hit because they clearly should have seen a car doing 45 mph down the road and should have known they weren't going to stop.
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turdpipe
> MentalMechanic
12/17/2013 at 08:31 |
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Dead Man's Curve every day until I move out of Parma. The only things that makes my drive tolerable is that I live west and work east so I'm always on the lighter side of rush hour once I get to the Innerbelt. And it's funny how fast four lanes become three because the far left lane is only half-plowed.
As far as red lights, somehow that manages to happen year round in East Cleveland.
SaabMcViggerton
> turdpipe
12/17/2013 at 09:14 |
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I has new synthetic blinker fluid OK for AWD snow car?.. I turn now
Your list is EVERY Michigan driver... EVAR
Ardhana
> turdpipe
12/17/2013 at 10:10 |
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Cool! I'll follow these tips today and let you know the results. I've printed them out and will be sure to show them to any law enforcement agent who happens to stop me. Thanks for these great tips!
philipilihp
> turdpipe
12/17/2013 at 11:07 |
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Brilliant. Simply brilliant. Chapeau, good sir!
Dabe
> turdpipe
12/17/2013 at 12:30 |
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Do not, at any time, think about the acquisition of 4 winter tires. Good ole summer patterns and compounds are just crazy efficient in the snow.
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turdpipe
> Dabe
12/17/2013 at 12:42 |
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They wouldn't call them "All-Weather" if they didn't mean you could drive them in all-weather, right?
SkarTisu
> turdpipe
12/17/2013 at 12:43 |
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Unsolicited suggestions for additions to the list:
- When pulling away from a complete stop at an icy intersection, turn off traction control (if equipped) and place throttle pedal on floor once you've detected that traction has been broken. The heat from your spinning tires will help melt the snow/ice you're currently on, thus assisting others who enter the intersection after you.
- When driving on familiar roads in heavy snow before the plows have started clearing the road, make sure to aim for the shoulder on curves so as to use all of the roadway you paid for with your tax dollars
- Your stanced Acura which works so well over speed bumps and looking hellaflush also works great in snow accumulations of more than 4mm. Get that bitch on the road and rock it!
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turdpipe
> a_d_a_m
12/17/2013 at 13:03 |
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Where else but Ohio could you find this much fodder for terrible- I mean awesome driving skills?
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Dabe
> turdpipe
12/17/2013 at 13:10 |
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Exactly! From the North Pole to the fresh lava of a volcano, all terrain and all weather should drive you anywhere.
Echo51
> bariki
12/18/2013 at 11:22 |
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You have winter tires, you'll be fine!
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Echo51
> Ardhana
12/18/2013 at 11:23 |
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Oppo memorial tomorrow? Gotcha.
MommysLittleMonster
> turdpipe
12/18/2013 at 14:30 |
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This is the greatest article I have ever read.
Everyone, we can go home now. The author has won the internet.
macanamera
> turdpipe
11/13/2014 at 12:22 |
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This is spectacular, about time someone put this list together.
Tip #11: Make sure all your moves are abrupt. Apply gas, brake, and steering as abruptly as possible. This will help your tires dig into the snow.
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Drakkon- Most Glorious and Upright Person of Genius
> Drakkon- Most Glorious and Upright Person of Genius
11/13/2014 at 12:26 |
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Damn. I read my own comment a year later. That's a pretty smart-assed piece of internet right there. I'm impressed with myself.
Jcarr
> turdpipe
11/13/2014 at 12:26 |
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turdpipe
> Jcarr
11/13/2014 at 12:27 |
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Hey, we might get a 3rd building, soon!
Will with a W8 races an E30
> vanmoto42
11/13/2014 at 12:30 |
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The people driving the econoboxes don't have the money to buy reasonable tires. Most of the ones you see up on the sidewalk are 10 year old corded all seasons - the people who can afford a streetable tank can afford streetable tires.
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Jcarr
> turdpipe
11/13/2014 at 12:32 |
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Economic recovery FTW!
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Drakkon- Most Glorious and Upright Person of Genius
> bariki
11/13/2014 at 12:35 |
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Put your snow tires only in the back so understeer is terminal and onmipresent
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turdpipe
> SkarTisu
11/13/2014 at 12:59 |
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Spinning tire friction = melted ice/snow is genius. I'll make a mid-winter edition for this year and be sure to include that.
Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer
> turdpipe
11/13/2014 at 14:05 |
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I fear the consequences of someone taking this seriously...
I just hope they live faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away from me.
uofime
> vanmoto42
11/13/2014 at 14:41 |
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as much as 4wd won't keep you out of the ditch, it is very helpful for getting out of it once you are
1.21 JIGGA WATTS!!!
> turdpipe
11/13/2014 at 17:16 |
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Sandbags or misc. items to add to your trunk/box of your RWD vehicle to improve traction? nonsense. Purge all heavy items unrelated to summer driving. You need to be as light as possible to maximize hoonage. Yes, that includes that pesky winter survival kit your dad placed in the trunk for you, as well as any food, babies, pets, tow ropes/chains/straps,
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bariki
> Drakkon- Most Glorious and Upright Person of Genius
11/13/2014 at 18:42 |
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You wouldn't be able to stop if you did that.
thebigbossyboss
> SkarTisu
11/14/2014 at 07:47 |
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I drove a low rider with about two inches worth of clearance through the last 4 winters. Fun.
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Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer
> TurboSloth
01/07/2015 at 11:26 |
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If on highway:
Put the car into a drift rubbing the front along the concrete divider until the arm comes out. You have AWD so you can do it.
If in city:
Run someone else down. Chances are you will dislodge the arm. You have AWD so you can do it.
Takuro Spirit
> turdpipe
01/07/2015 at 12:21 |
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Also make sure that even though there is a dedicated turn lane for where you are going, it may not be plowed as well as the other travel lanes so BY ALL MEANS slow to a near stop in the middle of the road to make your turn.
The Compromiser
> TurboSloth
01/07/2015 at 22:02 |
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Based on the advice, you would never actually run anyone over. Must be a hallucination. Carry on regardless. Ignore any other related indications (police, screaming, etc.).
Urambo Tauro
> turdpipe
11/23/2015 at 12:36 |
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Natural selection, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push .
Go get ‘em, Darwin!
shop-teacher
> turdpipe
11/23/2015 at 12:37 |
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This is brilliant!
Autohaus Derp
> turdpipe
11/23/2015 at 12:38 |
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* Your mileage may vary
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Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer
> turdpipe
11/23/2015 at 12:41 |
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#1 (except the last sentence) actually sounds like reasonable advice, as far as your PERSONAL safety goes.
Iheartmy365kHonda - Car enthusiasts do like FWD
> turdpipe
11/23/2015 at 13:03 |
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Directions unclear: pulled awesome FWD drift.
CalzoneGolem
> turdpipe
11/23/2015 at 13:05 |
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From the mists of time this post arises like Godzilla from the sea.
Highlander-Datsuns are Forever
> turdpipe
11/23/2015 at 13:07 |
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I once showed a friend how to check how icy it was by briefly tapping the brakes to check for traction before lock up. He continued to do it every 10-15 minutes on a 3 hr drive. I nearly threw up from motion sickness. Had to explain that this isn’t something you continuously need to do. Otherwise Winter drivng tips are right-on.
FazeRacer
> TurboSloth
11/23/2015 at 13:07 |
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Nothing, sounds like your are doing it right.
Birddog
> turdpipe
11/23/2015 at 13:12 |
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Don’t forget this very important tip!
A heavy Snow is the perfect time to hit your local Wallyworld. Bring the whole family too! Extended family and/or neighbor’s kids too if you can. Heck, make everyone take separate vehicles if possible!
Anything to make life on the roads just a bit more miserable for those of us that have to go out and clear the Snow.
BREADwagon
> turdpipe
11/23/2015 at 13:18 |
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I have a fix for your last point. See video:
Justin Hughes
> turdpipe
11/23/2015 at 13:38 |
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I’m sure that once the snow starts flying here that everyone will be driving exactly like this. Thank you for sharing your expert advice with the Massholes masses.
AMGtech - now with more recalls!
> turdpipe
11/23/2015 at 16:07 |
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I am disappoint. I didn’t get to say what I wanted because you already did (#4 basically, popped immediately into my head when I read your title). Good article! Will follow every point perfectly.